8 months ago I logged onto this blog and created a new post.
All that I wrote that day was the title:
"Plague of Disinterest"
Like all of my post, it was going to be a personal expression of what I was feeling at the time.
It was going to attempt to be an explanation of numbness of depression.
It was going to attempt to be an explanation of numbness of depression.
But I couldn't write it.
I didn't have the energy or focus to even explain the lack of energy or focus I had!
I was stuck in a total lack of excitement.
Hence the title, "Plague of Disinterest."
Hence the title, "Plague of Disinterest."
It actually was strangely poetic and perfect though.
Every time I logged on to write in my blog I saw that drafted post. Only a title and a blank page.
No words could more accurately display how I felt.
That was it!
Completely blank!
Completely blank!
I think a lot of people only associate depression with being sad and moody, but that's only part of. I would say, for me, the biggest part of my depression is the numbness. I'm so depressed I feel like I can't move. Like I can't think. I have no energy. Things that once pumped me up don't even seem slightly exciting anymore.
I tried going back to write about that feeling, but it felt like I couldn't. So I would just glance by the draft titled "Plague of Disinterest" and laugh a little to myself.
A perfect little inside joke between I had with me.
hhaahahaha
hhaahahaha
I just recently got over this little numb funk.
The last couple of weeks of this summer I felt it pretty bad. My friends talked about us all rooming together soon, and my family talked about taking a last family trip and dropping me off to college. . . and I felt it .
The last couple of weeks of this summer I felt it pretty bad. My friends talked about us all rooming together soon, and my family talked about taking a last family trip and dropping me off to college. . . and I felt it .
I felt nothing. And let me tell you, nothing is a feeling.
When I say "feeling nothing" I don't just mean not feeling sadness or happiness.
I mean feeling the emptiness of where those things should be.
It's like walking into a newly emptied room.
I feel the weight of the air that once landed on chairs and tables-
no longer supported on anything but my shoulders.
I feel the weight of the air that once landed on chairs and tables-
no longer supported on anything but my shoulders.
To make matters a bit more fun (worse) I also had constant anxiety.
So on the outside I looked totally normal, but inwardly. . .
I would abruptly leave parties or make some excuse about having to go to the bathroom because I felt like a ticking bomb about to blow.
Having anxiety and depression is kind of a weird thing.
On the one hand I care about nothing! Everything is hopeless and even if it wasn't I don't care or have the hootspa or the muchness for it.
Then on the other hand I am simultaneously
FREAKING OUT!
I CARE! I CARE A LOT!
I CARE TOO MUCH!
ABOUT EVEEEERRYTHING!
It's a cluster-youknowwhat.
Having anxiety and depression is kind of a weird thing.
On the one hand I care about nothing! Everything is hopeless and even if it wasn't I don't care or have the hootspa or the muchness for it.
Then on the other hand I am simultaneously
FREAKING OUT!
I CARE! I CARE A LOT!
I CARE TOO MUCH!
ABOUT EVEEEERRYTHING!
It's a cluster-youknowwhat.
So
I don't have much of point to make.
It's more of just a confusion that I wanted to share.
I don't have much of point to make.
It's more of just a confusion that I wanted to share.