Thursday, September 10, 2015

Plague of Disinterest

8 months ago I logged onto this blog and created a new post.
 All that I wrote that day was the title:

 "Plague of Disinterest"

Like all of my post, it was going to be a personal expression of what I was feeling at the time.
It was going to attempt to be an explanation of numbness of depression. 
But I couldn't write it.
I didn't have the energy or focus to even explain the lack of energy or focus I had!
I was stuck in a total lack of excitement.
Hence the title, "Plague of Disinterest."

It actually was strangely poetic and perfect though. 
Every time I logged on to write in my blog I saw that drafted post. Only a title and a blank page.

No words could more accurately display how I felt.
That was it!
Completely blank!

I think a lot of people only associate depression with being sad and moody, but that's only part of. I would say, for me, the biggest part of my depression is the numbness. I'm so depressed I feel like I can't move. Like I can't think. I have no energy. Things that once pumped me up don't even seem slightly exciting anymore. 

I tried going back to write about that feeling, but it felt like I couldn't. So I would just glance by the draft titled "Plague of Disinterest" and laugh a little to myself. 
A perfect little inside joke between I had with me.


I just recently got over this little numb funk.

The last couple of weeks of this summer I felt it pretty bad. My friends talked about us all rooming together soon, and my family talked about taking a last family trip and dropping me off to college. . . and I felt   it  
I felt nothing. And let me tell you, nothing is a feeling.

When I say "feeling nothing" I don't just mean not feeling sadness or happiness. 
I mean feeling the emptiness of where those things should be. 
It's like walking into a newly emptied room.
 I feel the weight of the air that once landed on chairs and tables-
no longer supported on anything but my shoulders. 

To make matters a bit more fun (worse) I also had constant anxiety.
So on the outside I looked totally normal, but inwardly. . . 

I would abruptly leave parties or make some excuse about having to go to the bathroom because I felt like a ticking bomb about to blow.

Having anxiety and depression is kind of a weird thing.
On the one hand I care about nothing! Everything is hopeless and even if it wasn't I don't care or have the hootspa or the muchness for it.

Then on the other hand I am simultaneously

It's a cluster-youknowwhat. 


I don't have much of point to make.
It's more of just a confusion that I wanted to share.